LIFE is happening FOR me & not TO me…

THIS, over ‘HERE’… is the most vulnerable I am ( & probably will ) EVER be…

As a passionate creative, my work & personal life have always been closely connected & intertwined. I didn’t plan it this way, it just happened… naturally. Over the years my work always seemed to evolve & take shape with the chapter of life I found myself in… but balancing my ideas, goals & dreams towards a stable & balanced ‘place’ has been quite a challenge. ( *though ALWAYS worth it! )

For more than a year I’ve been navigating a VERY challenging & emotional season having to process ( what I feel ) will forever be one of the most painful ( but also most expansive ) periods of my life. Over the course of 4 years up to HERE ( March 2025 )… the road included a long & emotional family journey with the passing of my father ( 6 year battle with Dementia. ) I had to say goodbye to a close friend who made such a massive impact in my life & my work as a creative ( 3 year battle with brain cancer ) & during late 2023 & 2024 I have mourned the life I thought I was going to have with the loss of our first pregnancy followed by a very unexpected & sudden end to a beautiful 16 year relationship… a choice that came as a massive & unexpected shock to me. There’s been some really deep lessons, emotional pain & trauma in a very short period of ‘life’.

But, without being pulled all the way down we can’t be lifted HIGHER…
without a storm there cannot be a RAINBOW…
& without darkness there cannot be LIGHT…
DARK is also where the stars get to SHINE their brightest…

I’m a very sensitive soul & I feel + experience things REALLY REALLY DEEPLY. It’s taken months to get to THIS place, a space where I feel ready & stronger than ever to gracefully open up, be honest & accept the reality of what has happened. But THIS won’t ever define me, it will also not become my identity… it is however part of my story & I can’t deny it or run away from it.

There is a big difference between acknowledging what has happened & putting oneself in victim mode. “Acknowledgement” is recognizing & accepting the reality of a situation and a “victim” mentality means blaming others for your problems and refusing to take personal responsibility.

For me to navigate this massive crossroad that has altered the entire course of my life, I feel a huge responsibility towards myself to be vulnerable & honest. Being vulnerable is needed so that I can continue to express myself creatively through my work which will also lead to naturally allowing THIS journey to shape my career into a space where I can inspire, help heal & serve on a deeper level.

I believe that it’s brave to FEEL, it’s courageous to be vulnerable and it takes a lot of inner strength to be honest & truthful. I’ve allowed myself the much needed time to really FEEL & go through every stage of the grieving process… ( *I literally used what I had left in my bank account to pay for my plane tickets to one of the most healing places in the world where the BEST trauma counselors, teachers, lightworkers, healers, facilitators & mentors from all over the world gather to help with deep healing & transformative work on a journey like THIS. )

During the months I spent writing THIS letter, my heart truly resonated with the beautiful words & teachings of Brené Brown :

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

//

Before I start, please know that it was very important to me that all my words in THIS very vulnerable letter come from a place of LIGHT. There are ‘bits’ that are not easy to share… but with every word I have tried my best to let it unfold with LOVE & FORGIVENESS.

When you’re on a spiritual path… nothing is ever considered “right” or “wrong”… it depends from which angle you look at a situation. Our personal perspectives & cultural norms also deeply affect this.

From a young age, I have always been very passionate & dedicated to my self development & inner work. I feel that every teacher, book, podcast, facilitator, mentor, life coach, workshop & conference have literally prepared me for THIS journey. The years I’ve spent gaining wisdom from my personal shadow work really gave me the strength to conciously look at CHOICES made by someone I deeply loved & cared for from a much HIGHER PERSPECTIVE.

( *but… I’m also human & I am having a human experience… & even though I TRULY feel that my soul is EXACTLY on it’s divine soul path… now more than ever… my heart has experienced every painful human emotion that you can possibly imagine. )

//

If you’re still HERE reading…
& you find yourself in a space where you can do THIS :
It would be very special to me if you could…

*1. light a candle *2. put your hand on your heart *3. take a deep & slow breath to help open your heart…
& then, continue reading…

Picture this:
2 beautiful little souls ‘up’ in ‘heaven’ sitting on soft fluffy clouds waiting for a rainbow…

*little pink soul :
“Sooooo… I’ve been thinking…
I feel ready to go ‘down’ to earth again for some life experiences to help me ‘grow’ even more”

*little blue soul :
“I also think you’re ready… but tell me more, I’m curious about your plan for THIS time’s human experience…”

*little pink soul :
“I want to go & experience MORE of it ALLLLL… joy, happiness, sunshine, nature, flowers, birth, childhood, family, colours, falling deeply in love, dance, movement, celebrations, inspiration, tastes & sounds, music, success & challenges, travel, people, creativity, money ( loss & wealth ), kindness, injuries + accident & the wonderful gift of recovery, holidays, friendships, femininity, self love, marriage, sex, intimacy, orgasms, grief, death, loss, pregnancy, miscarriage, heartbreak, falling deeper in love AGAIN… I WANT TO EXPERIENCE IT ALLLL… ”

*little blue soul :
“Wow! That sounds amazing… but also REALLY a lot. There’s some really challenging ‘human’ things on that ‘earth school’ list of yours… what if you consider just a few for this lifetime & the rest you can save for a next time? There is no need to rush… take one step at a time…”

*little pink soul :
“Nah… I’m ready for them ALL in one GO this time… I figured that the faster I can experience more of it, the sooner I can ‘grow & expand’. Oh & I’m also going to ask God to add creativity & positivity as my ‘superpowers’ for THIS lifetime… cause that’s what’s going to help me navigate through this life journey”

*little blue soul :
“I’m really proud of you for feeling strong & ready for ALL of this…
BTW… you know how much & how deeply I love you right?”

*little pink soul :
“Of course, you’ve been by my side in so many lifetimes before & that’s why things just always ‘flow’ so beautifully at the start for the 2 of us…”

*little blue soul :
“I’ve been wanting to share something with you… I’ve also been thinking a lot about my next trip to earth. I would like to do something for YOU so that you can REALLY expand in ways that can only happen when life cracks you open…”

*little pink soul :
“…this sounds serious, you’re scaring me…”

*little blue soul :
“Don’t feel scared… here, hop on over onto my cloud, it’s fluffier than yours.
Let me put my arm around you & hold you tightly while I tell you all about it… “

“Let’s make a soul contract for THIS lifetime…”

*little pink soul :
“WOW ( *eyes tearing up )… YOU would do that for me?
A soul contract is a REALLY REALLY big deal…”

*little blue soul :
“OF COURSE… I love you SO much that I want to do that for you…”

*little pink soul :
“…so how would this work? ”

*little blue soul :
“Wait, before I tell you… let’s first have some fun choosing our parents for this lifetime so that we can have our complete ‘soul growth’ plan ready to present to God.”

*little pink soul :
“Oh my word… I always LOVE this part… & remember, it’s really important that we both choose parents that’s going to help us experience specific life lessons or challenges based on our personal soul journeys too… so choose wisely.”

*little blue soul :
“I would like to suggest that you choose REALLY LOVING parents who will always be there for you & help you with everything… parents who will be deeply dedicated to teach you about positivity, spirituality & be supportive of everything you want to pursue & do creatively ( paint, arts, crafts, dance & so much more. ) Having THIS in your childhood years is going to help you build up a beautiful career to REALLY inspire others. The positivity your mom is going to instill in you is going to help you with some of the BIGGER & also more painful ‘human’ experiences & ‘lessons’ that’s going to come a bit later in your ‘life’…”

*little pink soul :
“…okay, mmm…
let me ‘look down’ & take a moment to calmly ‘choose’…
I actually have an amazing couple in mind…

I’ve been keeping an eye on them for a while. She loves music & he loves animals. I really feel they are perfect! They didn’t waste time… dated for 9 months & got married… I will be their firstborn… a little baby girl conceived during their honeymoon. I also see that for their soul path they will be bringing 3 little souls into the world! What a BONUS, looks like I am going to be sorted for LIFE with ‘besties’… 2 beautiful younger sisters!

*little blue soul :
“Love your choice!
My turn… ooooh… ‘look’… THEY seem perfect for me…

My dad is very smart & technical so that he can teach me all about ‘geeky’ stuff. This is important to me because a lot of the work I’m going to do in the future is going to require me to create cool stuff digitally. & LOOK, how special my mom is, she LOVES children, she’s an amazing teacher & has made such a massive impact on so many children’s lives. They are currently expecting their first born… so I’ll be in the middle & then our younger brother will also join.

*little pink soul :
“What a blessing it’s going to be that both of our childhoods will be with parents who not only love each other but also deeply love & support their children. Both of our childhood years are going to be filled with some pretty special family moments & both of our parents are really going to lovingly support all of our interests from a young age which will help us shape into the creative & inspirational adults we are going to become. It’s a blessing we should not take for granted in this lifetime… many souls experience childhood years with lots of trauma & pain to help them grow & expand.”

*little blue soul :
“Now for the best part… *u&me*…

We’re going to officially meet earth side the year we turn 20. & I think we should meet at the art campus while we’re busy with our studies. We’re complete opposites, but that is what’s going to make this 16yr love story of ours quite special… “

*little pink soul :
“I love our official ‘meeting’ spot! & From here on… it’s only going to be an adventure… we’re going to grow & build & create some pretty amazing things together. You’ll officially ask me to be your girlfriend at age 21… & the next few years are going to be busy, we’re going to be a power couple inspiring others to also follow their hearts with their careers! We’re going to go through all the ups & downs that come with young adulthood but this will allow us to ‘grow up’ together.

Because we are both going to be entrepreneurs in the creative industry we’re also going to offer each other support emotionally through challenges that come along with this. It’s going to take quite a few years till we both actually figure out what we REALLY want to do with our creative gifts. You, however, are going to figure it out a little bit faster than me, I will be your biggest cheerleader. We’re also going to build a beautiful & successful photography business together… documenting couples & weddings all over the world. THIS part of our work is going to take us to some pretty amazing places & give us the opportunity to meet some really inspiring people. These adventures will be some of our most fondest & most treasured memories that we’ll carry in our hearts forever. #wmeurotrip

*little blue soul :
“After 9 years of ‘dating’… I’ll *finally* ask you to get married on a trip to Barcelona, Spain. I’ll make it really romantic & special… I don’t want to spill my special proposal surprise here even though I know you won’t remember any of this anyway when we’re ‘down’ there. ( *laughs. ) You know how much I love surprises, so let me keep this a surprise today too.” ( *smiles very excitedly. )

*little pink soul :
“The year we both turn 30… we’ll say our vows on a rooftop in the middle of the city in our hometown… Pretoria, South Africa. it will be a day that our loved ones will always remember & talk about for years thereafter. We’ll want our wedding day to not just be a celebration of our love for each other… but also a day where we can have everyone we love together in one place to also show THEM how much WE love THEM & how grateful we feel to have all of them in our lives. #wmbothabruilof

Oh my word… I am SO excited!!! Please can we get married in September… it’s my favourite month of the year… it’s spring time in South Africa & cherry blossoms are blooming ( *biggest smile. ) Oooooh & can we have pizza at our wedding?… & burgers with fries too… oooooh and can we have a MASSIVE pinata filled with rainbow candy… so much candy that the dance floor will be scattered with colours & everyone will have sticky sweets stuck to the soles of their shoes from all the dancing so that when they put the shoes they wore at our wedding on again for another special celebration it will still be sticky at the bottom & it will remind them of all the colourful memories from that night…”

*little blue soul :
“Of course… we can definitely do it all… I love all the ideas… & for our first dance…

we’ll hold each other SO close & in this moment love each other the MOST! I have the perfect song for this… it will be a moment to remember with *sparks all around us!”

*little pink soul :
“Can I give you a REALLY REALLY TIGHT HUG…
wait, turn the other way…so that when we hug our hearts can touch…

( *little pink soul whispers into little blue soul’s ear with a tear running down her cheek )

THANK YOU that you are going to be by my side when my father passes away… it’s going to be quite a challenging & painful period for my family & you’re going to be by our side for every part of it.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU… ( *little pink soul hugs & holds little blue soul even tighter. )

*little blue soul :
“I’m sorry that you have to say goodbye to your dad a little earlier earth side… “

*little pink soul :
“I’m a bit jealous that my dad will be getting to chill ‘up’ here a little sooner, it’s WAY easier ‘here’ than down ‘there’. His soul will fulfill all his earthly lessons a bit sooner than others… it’s going to be a challenge for me as the eldest daughter knowing how he would have loved to experience being a grandfather earth side.

Luckily at this stage of my journey I have already gained a lot of wisdom when it comes to crossing over ( ‘death’ ) & thanks to THIS I also know that even though he won’t physically be here for the rest of my life… he IS still always with us… just in another way. He’s constantly going to leave me little reminders in nature with white feathers, lyrics from his favourite abba songs & the most amazing synchronicity moments whenever I think of him. Thank goodness I allowed myself & my belief system to be more OPEN for this… it makes ‘life’ just so much more bearable when tragedy & trauma happens. ( *every human will experience trauma somewhere in life – our souls cannot grow without it. )

*little blue soul :
“I’m so sorry that your dad is not going to be THERE for the rest of it. But just know… I feel so grateful that I did have him as a Father in my life for a little while too. His journey very humbly reminded me of how sacred ‘human’ TIME is… & because of this… from here on… I’ll always make even more time for a brunch with my Mom at one of her favourite places when I visit ‘home’ & I’ll also make time for nature walks with my Dad for more deep heart-to-heart-father-son conversations.

Life is going to ‘carry on’ after our wedding… we’ll have lots of ‘movement’ & changes, covid is going to hit the world, there will be more career adjustments for both of us, more travels & people & places. There will be birthdays, family celebrations, laughing, crying, hugging, kissing, picnics on the beach, holidays… we’ll ‘flow’ with everything that ‘life’ brings.

It’s also around here… our mid 30’s… that we’ll start feeling ready & curious about starting a little family of our own…”

*little pink soul :
“At this point… it was important for me ( & my body ) to slow down in order to conceive a little baby with you. We’ve both been hustling & rushing for quite some years. The reality with fertility over here was also that I was not in my 20’s anymore.

My father’s journey with dementia shifted my values & made me realize that there were now things that I valued so much more in life than work. I really craved a calmer life… I wanted to stop rushing & chasing in order to have more time for a healthy lifestyle. I also wanted to dedicate more time for ‘us’ outside of work… not that I haven’t, but I wanted to put more time into the ‘small’ things… like making sure our kitchen cupboards were stocked on time with all the ingredients needed for a homemade chocolate birthday cake, I wanted TIME to sit calmly & write love notes… & the ‘wifey’ side of me wanted to make sure you were supported & that you always had everything you needed when you had a lot going on with work… because I chose to be your biggest cheerleader!”

*little blue soul :
“THIS is the part where our soul contract will start kicking in…”
( *takes little pink soul’s left hand… & kisses her ring finger… the place of commitment & love. )

*little pink soul :
“THIS part is not going to be easy right?…” ( *eyes looking down. )

*little blue soul :
“It’s not going to be easy at all… it’s going to be really really hard for both of us…
but I want you to stay strong… promise me you’ll stay strong… ?”
( *eyes tearing up again. )

*little pink soul :
“I promise…”

*little blue soul :
“…the choices I’ll be making HERE will be decisions I won’t feel proud of… but THIS is the only way I’ll be forced to learn some of my own deep personal soul lessons & work through deeper things I’ve been keeping inside of me ( things that has got more to do with ME, than you… )

It’s also the only way I’ll be able to help you… remember we made this soul contract together…
& everything ‘down there’ is always happening FOR US & never TO US…”

I’m so sorry for what’s going to follow from here…
( *little blue soul hugs little pink soul tightly & starts crying… )

*little pink soul :
( *snuggles her hands inside of his… *sighs very long & deep… )
“You’re going to deeply hurt me & break my heart…

*little blue soul :
“Yes…”

*little pink soul :
“It’s going to take a lot of inner strength to remember & know that soul contracts in any relationship ‘painfully’ gifts us with deep & expansive growth.

I also understand what I need to learn…

The last few years… all the ‘human’ experiences have made me scared… it’s made me loose the part of myself that took risks… the part that dared to be bold, authentic & fearlessly brave. I need to learn to be more emotionally mature & independent… but it’s a different independence ( that’s got nothing to do with money. ) It’s an independence where I am able to fully stand on my own two feet, learn to do things on my own & step back into my power… without emotionally relying on you…

I’ve been operating at shadow frequency for a few years… acting & behaving in a way that is not aligned with my authentic self… which stemmed from hidden insecurities, desires to please others & not expressing my true creative potential. This is a negative state that resulted in me overly focused on external validation and not my own inner truth.”

*little blue soul :
“…a lot of things are going to be ripped open for ME & I’ll completely push you away because everything is going to be TOO painful for me to deal with for quite a while. At this point… for my own personal journey… it’s the only way I’ll be able to work through what I need to go through… & it will force YOU to go to some amazing places in the world & have life experiences where you will meet people & teachers that’s going to help you expand your wisdom even more so that you can help other souls heal, grow & open up MORE…

Human pain & emotions will make you forget the deeper purpose of everything for a while, but THEN, because of all the energy & time you’ve put into your personal inner work towards educating yourself on a deeper level… you’ll RISE.

It’s going to take a while… but in the future… we’ll laugh again & we’ll LOVE LIFE again… & we’ll both remember… like we always used to say to each other… whatever comes next is always MORE & deeper & EVEN better than what we could have ever imagined…

THANK YOU for remembering that our souls committed to these lessons…
THANK YOU for staying soft & compassionate even after all the choices I made & hurt I’ve caused…
THANK YOU for forgiving my behaviour when I left you all alone during the loss of our little star baby…“

// 

As always…
GRATITUDE FIRST ( *the most important part )

To my FAMILY, my CLOSEST friends ( *you all know who you are ) & some long standing clients ( *who I have always considered friends too ) …Thank you for holding my hand as I navigate so many deep changes in my life & my career. ‘They’ say that Angels are all around us & that they come in human form too, YOU ALL continue to be MY ANGELS ( *earth side ).

PLEASE KNOW… I write words in CAPITALS…
BOLD & BIG because it is impossible for me to put THIS into actual words…
but may each & every one of you FEEL my heart when you read THIS…

THANK YOU for not just praying for ME… but that you also prayed for US.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking how I can express my gratitude towards ALL of you…

& Maybe the biggest way I could THANK you was through my decision to GET UP & carry on with my ‘LIFE’… it took a few months, but I did it. I’m learning the lessons that come with a journey like this so that I can grow & expand on levels higher than what I even thought was possible. I’ve also made a conscious decision to take all of this grief & turn it into something beautiful, something that will serve a bigger purpose through creativity… I might not exactly know ‘HOW’ this is going to look ( yet ), but I am busy trying to figure that out & over time, it will take shape… ( in some ways, it already has )

It’s VERY IMPORTANT that all of you know… YOU’VE MADE SUCH A MASSIVE IMPACT ON THE WORLD TOO, because a single *spark can cause a raging wildfire. Fire is considered the most powerful of the elements, it represents energy, optimism, passion, creativity & motivation. A single *spark of kindness, compassion & love can cause ripple effects. You prayed, you lit candles, you delivered flowers & food, you sent songs of hope & words of encouragement… you continually checked in… you literally held my body when anxiety took over… & ALL of THIS helped reignite the *spark inside of me that pain & loss dimmed for a while. THANK YOUUUUUUU… !!!!!!

//

Our first gynecologist appointment in November 2023 was supposed to be one of the most exciting, amazing & life changing experiences of our lives… but it CHANGED EVERYTHING. To every couple who has been through the traumatic & painful process of miscarriage… my heart feels deep compassion for the loss you have had to go through, because we went through it too. To every woman whose body had to experience ‘everything’ that goes along with the traumatic experience of misscarriage… Now, I REALLY understand. It deeply changes you, on many levels… physically, emotionally & spiritually.

My first pregnancy journey was not as special & magical as I have always imagined it to be. It was painful, traumatic & really lonely. But the most painful of it all was having to experience how trauma caused the person I loved the most to choose a different life path within a matter of days. Grieving loss is hard, it’s traumatic & it’s even harder when you don’t have the person you needed most there with you…but I know you were hurting VERY deeply too. ( *in your own way )

To all the amazing men in the world… sons, brothers, fathers & husbands…

When you always keep everyone you love happy & you never communicate your personal needs & you never allow yourself to really FEEL your emotions… you suppress. & Years’ of suppression with no communication manifests in other ways when ‘LIFE’ happens. No one can navigate life altering ‘situations’ like this without professional support & help ( psychologists, therapists, life coaches & lightworkers ) …there’s a reason why these professionals do the work they do.

When we don’t communicate often enough because we want to avoid conflict & we don’t feel safe to feel & show our emotions from an early age & we’ve been doing ‘life’ this way for many years… we also suppress… & suppressing can have some really serious consequences. When we suppress our emotions, it can also lead to losing touch with our personal needs and feelings, making it harder to navigate traumatic situations which can lead to completely disconnecting from the people we love & care for.

If you are human you are going to experience trauma somewhere in your life. Self development & shadow work helps us to be more aware when a decision is coming from our ego & when it’s coming from our higher self. When trauma occurs… there are literally chemicals in the brain that get released which are responsible for what is called the “fight or flight” response. “Ego” refers to the part of our minds that focus on self-perception, while the “higher self” represents a deeper, more spiritual aspect of our being, characterized by compassion & a broader perspective beyond personal desires; essentially, the ego is the “doer” while the higher self is the “observer” of actions and motivations.

It’s in traumatic situations like these why it’s important that we have a strong & grounded belief system. If we do not make inner work & spiritual practices like prayer & gratitude part of our daily life… we’re not strong enough within ourselves which leads to not knowing who we are, what we want for our lives & we also struggle with finding purpose. Our choices during trauma in stressful situations can easily lead to impulsive decisions that’s completely out of our character… inner work gives us the tools we need to navigate these challenges that ‘life’ inevitably brings to every soul having a human experience on earth.

I’ve been to MANY self development workshops & conferences… & I’ve been quite aware of what a big % is usually women. It’s been a humble experience on my healing journey in Thailand to see so many men working on themselves, tuning into their feelings, crying, being vulnerable, opening up & stepping up towards taking responsibility for their lives, owning their choices in order to heal so that they can show up in life as better partners, better husbands, betters sons, better fathers & also more honest friends.

I think women are SUPER human beings… We literally create ‘life’…
We can RISE… when YOU RISE… & together we can RISE even more…
( & there is so much work to be done towards helping the men, but we can’t force it…
we can only pray that they decide to also DO THE WORK. )

A journey like this is also IMPOSSIBLE to navigate without a ‘Higher’ source, the pain & grief is just too much. a Higher Source is whatever YOUR belief system is… for me a Higher Source has many ‘names’… God, Universe, Spirit, Divine.

Every human being ( soul ) has a team of light available to help… we all have Angels & Spirit Guides to help us navigate our life path. Through prayer we can always ask for help & guidance… but it’s also important to trust, to surrender & to be ‘open’ in receiving guidance in many ways & forms… synchronicity, dreams, light workers etc. ( *& at the end of the day…I think that no matter what religion or spiritual path you choose… everything basically comes down to LOVE. )

Earth side; God & our light team work through our family, people, books, places & things :
a VERY VERY VERY close group of souls ( *our family )
a VERY VERY CLOSE group ( *our friends )
a VERY CLOSE group ( *people that cross our paths, I call them earth angels… sent for a shorter period or season or chapter… psychologists, teachers, doctors, lightworkers, new friendships to help us navigate the healing process & shorter intimate relationships to help us heal on a deeper level. )

THERE is SO MUCH help, love & guidance available to navigate life… we just have to open our hearts & expand from limiting belief systems that stem from limited knowledge & understanding.

Miscarriage is an extremely traumatic & challenging journey for any couple.

a journey that I thought would deepen & strengthen our marriage resulted in the complete opposite. Everything that I trusted, everything that made me feel safe, supported, protected & loved was turned upside down in a matter of days…

I AM allowed to express what I have felt & experienced… & I felt betrayed, rejected, deeply disappointed, shocked, abandoned & ashamed … It was excruciating x2. I do not wish this upon any human being. a Heart can’t actually be ‘broken’, but physically it really felt that way… my chest literally ached for months.

When I was in the midst of the darkness… I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, night sweats, emotional pain & anxiety completely consumed me while also having to process miscarriage… for a moment there, I REALLY forgot how it felt to be happy. All I wanted in these dark moments was for the beautiful life we’ve built together to go back to the way it was.

Conceiving is one of the most miraculous & deepest acts of love any couple will ever share. Things didn’t go as planned & even though wisdom has helped me to look at things from another angle… the magnitude of what has happened is too big for my human mind to comprehend, so I’m holding onto the BIGGER plan that’s going to unfold over the next few years…

This little baby’s soul brought SO MANY lessons…
on so many levels… in such a short time… in both of our lives.

LIFE IS ALWAYS HAPPENING FOR US & NEVER TO US…
( *My sticky note mantra, FOR LIFE… )

“I was excited to raise this little soul with you & to do parenthood a little ‘differently’ & ‘creatively’.
*me&u*… we always loved doing ‘life’ a little differently, it’s something that I adored the most about ‘US’…

The pain was unbearable, boundaries were crossed… trust was broken…
BUT ALWAYS KNOW… I FORGIVE YOU… so forgive yourself…
because true healing can ONLY happen once we forgive ourselves.”

TRUE LOVE IS A BIG DEAL & the blessing to share one’s life with someone is one of the most spectacular journeys any soul will ever go on…But TRUE LOVE is also ‘letting go’…

I’ve always dreamt big dreams for ‘us’… but I’ve also come to realise that 2 people should be dreaming together & maybe it’s also the idea of what we could & might have been that made the journey of letting go hard.

It is said that grief is all the love we didn’t have the chance to express & that heartbreak begins the moment we are asked to let go. Heartbreak doesn’t just happen when things go wrong, but it is a sign that things have gone so wonderfully right. Heartbreak is evidence that we’ve cared REALLY DEEPLY about something or someone.

I once heard that when something in your life has deeply hurt you…
It’s an act of LOVE to heal that part of yourself.
Healing heartbreak on a deep level is not a quick fix & nothing & no one can speed up this process… It’s a process that deserves time, guidance, selfcare & a lot of self love. We have to love ourselves enough to admit & realise that on a journey like this we will not be ‘okay’ for a while & that it’s ‘okay’ to not be ‘okay’ for a while. It takes time to get to a peaceful inner space to be strong enough to release with gratitude & a full heart for the place someone once held in your life. It takes strength to get to a space where we can take back all the energy given so deeply for so many years & return that back to ourselves.

It’s also taken a lot of inner work to forgive myself… for many things…
things I think many women might also relate to…
For choosing to watch a movie on netflix instead of going out to have more fun with you…
For not always being more open for intimacy because I felt too exhausted or unhappy with my body…
For not going to more music festivals with you because knowing how exhausted I would feel the next day felt too heavy for me. You needed all of that from me… & I’m sorry…

It’s important for us to carry on with LIFE.
God very clearly has another beautiful plan for both of our paths at THIS stage of our journeys & I strongly believe that nothing in life is a coincidence, everything is always unfolding exactly as it should & we are always exactly where we are supposed to be for our soul’s growth…

I also believe that both of us WILL love again…
life would be empty without it…
LOVE IS THE HIGHEST VIBRATION ON EARTH.
& giving + receiving LOVE is one of the biggest gifts life offers.

Currently, I have no idea how THIS kind of ‘new’ future LOVE is even going to look or feel like…
but when the time is right & my heart has healed even more, I know ‘life’ is going to surprise me in a very magical & beautiful way with someone special. I am a firm believer in ‘DIVINE TIMING’…

Falling in love is an act of courage…
but a greater act of courage for me will be to allow myself to really fall in love & trust… AGAIN.

But for now, more than ever…I first need to be mine…
before I can share my life & my heart with anyone else..

I STILL ALSO VERY DEEPLY BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE ( even after ‘everything’ )
In her book, ‘A Return to Love’, Marianne Williamson writes about marriage so beautifully…

“…it is an agreement that, while a whole lot of shaking & screaming might go on, no one’s going to leave the room. We are both safe to go through whatever emotion is called forth from deep within us – and whenever we are truthful, there are times when we are upset – but it is safe to do that here. No one is leaving.

A man’s wife is literally God’s gift to him. A woman’s husband is God’s gift to her. But God only gives gifts that are meant for everyone. So it is that a marriage is meant to be a blessing on the world, because it is a context in which two people might become more than they would have been alone.

A partner’s support & forgiveness enable us to stand forth more magnificently in the world. We don’t get married to escape the world, we get married to heal it together.”

Marriage is sacred & intimate… & it was a very personal & challenging process for me to vulnerably & honestly open up to loved ones & close friends for emotional support. I feel proud of myself for doing it with so much grace & a forgiving heart. I’ve realised again how important it is that we communicate & that we’re always open & honest & raw & real… because like I mentioned… ‘Higher’ messages come through people too & if we don’t open up & speak up & voice things – we block important guidance that’s needed to help us navigate challenging & painful times in life.

“You lost YOUR baby too… it’s the first time in your life that you have ever experienced death SO CLOSELY… which triggered lots of ‘stuff’… but always remember, we are all human & you’ll be amazed at how much compassion & love people can have no matter what has happened… so whenever you feel ready… let them hold you so that you can FEEL. I hope you will love yourself enough to do that for your own healing journey.”

TO OUR CLOSEST FAMILY & FRIENDS…

Over the course of 15 years we have been honoured to document more than 200 couples’ weddings in some of the most beautiful places in the world. Being a witness at a wedding has personally taken on a much deeper meaning… This entire journey has made me realise what a huge responsibility something like THIS entails & that it should not be taken lightly…

“a *marriage* needs the help of a community of family & friends who will be there when needed and will do all that they can during hard times to offer their support to them. May you always do all within your power to support the union that will be made here today and nurture the bond between these two people whom you love.”

Our family & close friends had to navigate an unexpected double trauma with situations they also have not yet experienced… It’s not just been the end of a beautiful relationship that’s always been an inspiration & beacon of hope to others, but also the loss of a ( first ) grandchild, the loss of the joy & excitement that comes with being an uncle or an aunt for the first time. It was devastating to all of them to see us go through so much pain… when people you love are in pain… you experience a level of that pain too. ( especially for parents. )

TO ALL OF YOU… from my heart to yours, please now :
When you had no idea what to say – you ALWAYS said the right things…
When you had no idea what to do – you did everything so PERFECTLY & with SO much love…

I know, just like us, all of you are also continuing to manage ‘everything’ that comes with a life transition like this in the best way you can… THANK YOU for doing it with so much grace, kindness & soft’ness.
I love you all SO DEEPLY!

//

WHAT’S NEXT…
( *IT’S A BIG QUESTION )

I have always asked for a big life & I definitely thought I had it…
but maybe it’s supposed to be even BIGGER & MORE EXTRAORDINARY than what I could have ever imagined. Maya Angelou puts THIS profoundly into words… “Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it! ”

No one knows what the future holds… because the future has not yet been written…
& maybe life has gifted me with some extra TIME & freedom to have some expansive LIFE experiences at an age where I am able to do so more wisely ( *My age group does not fall under the ‘young’ adult section anymore )

I believe that I will love again… ( even more deeply )
& I also feel I will get married again…
I’ll still have a beautiful family of my own…
& I really believe that if I am meant to be a mom, I will be…
( *I have TOO much love to give… & conceiving + bringing a soul into the world is the deepest act of love & miracle of life that I have a deep desire to experience with someone I love. )

If I were to have been given the opportunity to have an oat milk latte & rainbow lunch with God ‘up there’ for some ‘help’ in NAVIGATING this crossroad my question would be… “should I go left or should I go right?”
& I’m pretty sure the answer & advice would look like this…

GOD : “On earth, you’re given FREE WILL & CHOICE for a reason – to have life experiences & learn from them & YOU ALWAYS have all the answers inside of you. *Every human has this ability, they just forget…

All you have to do, like you used to ALWAYS do before ‘life’ brought some challenges which made you fearful to take risks… is to JUST follow your heart AND listen to your intuition… if something FEELS good, then it’s the right choice, it’s the right place & it’s the right person…

Remember… THIS time is a very special gift… & someone who loves you very very deeply has had to make some painful & difficult choices to gift you with this sacred time… because he wants you to get out of your cage & grow, expand & transform into a more beautiful & true version of yourself. This time is a gift to go & have some amazing life experiences… things that you’ve always wanted to do, places you’ve always wanted to see & things you’ve wanted to learn about more deeply… & without THIS push… you would have not naturally chosen to go & do all of these things… your heart needed to be completely cracked open to allow space for MORE… more light, more fire, MORE *SPARK.

Then, God would take a sip from His coffee… sit back, take a breath & also tell me…

To help you heal… to remind you who you have always been & to help you get back in touch with yourself… I’m going to send you to a small tropical island really far away from ‘home’ in the middle of the jungle…

It’s one of the most magical & spiritual places in the world filled where facilitators, mentors, teachers, bodywork practitioners, trauma counselors, light workers, therapists & healers come together to work & help souls like YOU. You will HEAL DEEPLY here which will help you step back into your power to stand on your own two feet again. ( BTW, you’ve always wanted to live on a tropical island… so I thought THIS was the perfect time for THAT manifestation! )

*BUT… very very importantly…
You are creating a beautiful new chapter for THIS life of yours…
AND…
to fully heal your heart…
to learn the lessons that you’re supposed to learn…
& to plant new seeds for all the changes in your creative career…
you have to promise yourself to TUNE IN constantly with the following practises…

1 – Stay grounded ( spend lots of time in the most beautiful playground on earth… NATURE! )
2 – Get out of your head & tap into your heart, if your head says go right & your heart left… then go LEFT!
3 – Continue to cultivate & grow spiritual practices… prayer, gratitude, kindness, FULLY trust & surrender.
4 – Move your body in ways that you used to love for so many years before… DANCING! ( I wonder why you stopped ? )
5 – Eat even MORE rainbow food, it’s full of HIGH VIBE energy & it will inspire your creativity!
6 – Start using your creative gifts the way you’re ACTUALLY supposed to… not just for others but also for YOURSELF… they are YOUR gifts too. I want you to fall back in love with your work & take the time it needs to heal your nervous system because doing creative work that you love should not feel stressful & rushed. ( don’t stress about money… remember that money is just an energy & if you TRUST I will always provide everything you need for when you need it in abundant ways… )
7 – Continue to live authentically & follow a path true to yourself… because THIS inspires other souls to do the same on their journeys…

…if you continue to do all of the above…
THEN your higher self will work through your senses… & when something is the RIGHT choice fro YOU… you’ll feel warmth in your heart area, goosebumps on your skin & butterflies in your tummy.
THIS is your Clairsentience gifts that you have had to rediscover through this journey. Use these gifts wisely, they are there to always help you navigate direction in life…

THEN, lastly… & very importantly… use your creativity to tell stories of all the places & people & things you’ll get to experience… it’s going to help others to follow their *sparks too & it will shape your work into what it was always meant to become… there’s a much bigger & more beautiful plan with EVERYTHING… but that you’ll only see & understand in a few years’ time… so just ENJOY the journey to where you are heading & have some FUN!“

MARIAAN : okay…

//

Let go & let God,
I surrender,
I’ll go with the flow,
I’ll relax & allow,
I’ll trust…

When something ends something new begins. Pain & suffering can be our biggest teachers in life, but only if we allow it. We are NEVER given an experience that’s not needed for our personal evolution to help make us aware of what we’re truly capable of.

This is not going to be a journey of ‘finding myself’ because THAT work I’ve already done, MANY years ago. I know exactly who I am & I have always known what I want for my life… BUT what I do need to figure out is who I am on my own, because I have no idea … for me, HOME has always been wherever I was with you. But, I am reframing, reshaping & rearranging… transforming & expanding on so many levels & THIS journey has already gifted me with the wisdom THAT, wherever life is going to take me… I will ALWAYS be home… I AM my home… I have always been HOME… because HOME is WITHIN.

My female entrepreneurial heart has been full of MANY creative ideas for products, services & offerings for so many years… but my mind, body, heart & soul FIRST had to be prepared so that I could be strong enough to deeply hold & create a space for THIS :

…TALK & WRITE openly about ‘things’ that can be uncomfortable…
( I am scared of judgement, scared of REALLY being + experiencing the true potential of ‘ME’, scared of being a bit ‘wild’ because society has taught me ‘rules’ of what is right & what is wrong… I have also allowed limiting beliefs to keep me ‘small’ & undeserving. The SOFT & SWEET side of me also has a FIERCE & WILD side that’s ready to come out. )

…SHARE & TEACH through my spiritual journey using creativity to help & inspire other’s navigate theirs…
( this is going to take ‘guts’… because what I’ve always known… I’ve just been scared to REALLY share on a bigger platform that extends further than just close family & friends… Imposter syndrome is a b*tch… but COURAGE is when you’re scared, but you do it anyway… )

…CONTINUE WITH EVERYTHING ‘LOVE’…
I always knew @picturemeandu had a bigger purpose than just wedding photography…
( I still LOVE ‘love’ & I’m excited to experience the magical depth that this part of my creative career is going to shape into with every beautiful couple I’ll have the opportunity to closely work with in the future. Documenting weddings, elopements & couples growing into beautiful families will continue… but it won’t JUST be about photos anymore… it will be a platform to celebrate, inspire & teach about LOVE… relationships, marriage & intimacy… THIS very special platform is in God’s hands… NOW, more than ever! )

Chaos, crisis & trauma can create FAST & very quick changes & even after spending more than a year on deep healing work & feeling stronger than ever before… Grief continues to be an incredibly transformational process where the biggest part of transformation happened INSIDE of me. My heart OPENED EVEN WIDER with grief so that I can teach & have compassion for things I did not know & truly understood before because I have not experienced it myself. Grief is going to do its work through me…

A journey of METAMORPHOSIS…
a BUTTERFLY CHAPTER… following bliss, following my intuition, following what brings ME joy.
a HERO’S JOURNEY… a quest to face challenges & obstacles, returning home transformed, having grown & learned through experiences…

I’m also allowing myself the gift to be gentle & slow with rebuilding my life. I’m curious to see what is creatively possible when I’m not in a constant state of rush & when I’m creating NEW things without any expectation of the outcome…

GOD, USE ME WHERE YOU NEED ME
Use my platform & my creativity through offerings, products & services to serve, teach, inspire & help where it’s needed however way YOU need to…

( FYI… Gabrielle Bernstein, I added the beautiful 4th prayer towards this healing journey of mine )

God…
1 – What would YOU have me do?
2 – Where would YOU have me go?
3 – What would YOU have me say?
4 – What would YOU have me create?

//

*little pink soul :
“We have the most amazing, adventurous & beautiful memories together…
& I’m grateful for all of them & everything I have learnt from you! I have not lost, I have gained…

I hope that the time you got to spend with me taught you
to LOVE… really really LOVE DEEPLY
to ALWAYS BE KIND… to every single person, every single day…
to NEVER JUDGE… because you never know what someone has gone through…
to ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL… everything in life is a gift & a blessing… never take anything for granted… because it can change & be taken away at ANY moment…
to GIVE, always GIVE more than what you receive…

May we look back at each other’s lives in a few years’ time & be proud of who we have become, the new life partners we have chosen & the kind hearted children we have raised with them.

THANK YOU for loving me deeply AND allowing me to love you deeply too for 16 years…